Dead Parody
by Gabriel Ice
Summary: Yuna encounters a problem with one of her Guardians.


It was a bright and sunny day for Besaid. Not a cloud haunted the skies above a smattering of fishermen pushing their boat to shore after a morning of work. A salty breeze drifted through the noses of children splashing about in the shallows on the beach, laughing and cavorting and throwing sand at each other. A warm, almost smiling sun greeted those going about daily life back in Besaid village proper, and everyone was happy.

Everyone but Yuna.

She tried to hide her unpleasant disposition. She was used to keeping a stiff upper lip while enduring the trials and battles of the life of a Summoner, not to mention the pressure from being the daughter of the previous High Summoner. The position carried with it a fair amount of cachet, but the responsibility of protecting the entire world, the weariness of a seemingly neverending journey, and the knowledge of the ultimate, inevitable end of that journey outweighed the glamour of a celebrity lifestyle.

And on top of all of that, she had recently discovered that her Guardian was defective, so she had to return him to the store.

Yuna took a deep breath before pushing open the front door of Sasha's Guardian Boutique and Stolen Potion Emporium, dragging her Guardian behind her. A bell attached to the doorframe clinked a cheerful greeting belying the gravity of her purpose. Yuna ignored it and turned to the clerk at the counter.

"Hello, I'd like to register a complaint," she said evenly.

"Good afternoon, sir," said the clerk.

"Sir?" said Yuna

"Yes?" said the clerk.

"I'm not a sir," said Yuna.

"My apologies," said the clerk, "but we like to treat all our customers as right proper gents no matter what their noble status or lack thereof."

"'Lady Summoner' will do in that case," said Yuna.

"Oh, right," said the clerk. "Lady Summoner. You're a woman, then, are you? You'll forgive me, as my eyesight ain't what it used to be. Not since the kitchen accident."

"So, then, Ms. Shopkeeper," said Yuna, "I wish to make a complaint."

"Ms. Shopkeeper? I'm a Mr. Shopkeeper, I am."

Yuna scanned the clerk's frame from top to bottom, finally concluding that the clerk was indeed male.

"Sorry," said the clerk. "I'm not a bad man; I'm just drawn that way."

Yuna sniffed. "Right. I just thought you might have been a woman, what with your having a girl's name. Now, about my complaint..."

"Complaint?" said the clerk.

"Yes," said Yuna. "I came in to complain about this Guardian I purchased from here not half an hour ago."

The clerk looked taken aback. "Oh, yes, the Auron model. It's one of our best. What's, uh, wrong with it?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it, sir," said Yuna. "This Guardian is dead. That's what's wrong."

The clerk leaned closer to get a better look at Auron. "He's not dead. He's just resting. Did you have any battles on the way over? Maybe he just needs a spot of phoenix down to wake him right up."

"I'm really sorry," said Yuna, "but I know a dead Guardian when I see one, and we're both looking square in the eyes of one right now."

"He's not dead, I assure you," said the clerk. "Look, he's an amazing Guardian! Auron, former Guardian of the late Lord Braska. He's a keeper, don't you think? Beautiful coat he's got there, and a winning personality. Deadly accurate in battle."

Yuna sighed. "He's no longer deadly. He's just dead."

"Look at him!" The clerk pulled a broom from under the counter and poked Auron in the side with it. "See? He don't like to be poked. He's moving, ergo he's alive. Right, Mr. Auron? There's a bottle of sake in it for you if you prove to the Lady Summoner that you're still kickin'."

"He's not moving," said Yuna. "You're just poking him. You're moving him."

"It's still moving, innit? If he couldn't move, how did he get in here?"

Yuna bit her lip. "It doesn't count if he can't move under his own power. You just moved that broomstick, didn't you? Is it alive?"

The clerk's eyes went wide, and he turned Yuna's idea over in his mind a couple of times before responding. "By Jove, it just might be! I could have myself a bleedin' profit here, if I can sell magic brooms."

"The broom did not move under its own power, either. You moved it. You can move any dead or nonliving thing, but that doesn't make them alive."

The clerk jumped to his feet and smiled. "I got you there, sir."

"Lady Summoner," Yuna corrected.

"Yes, well, I got you there, Lady Summoner. See, I know this counter is not alive, and yet I can't move it for the life of me! See, I can push on it, and it stays put. How do you respond to that?"

"It's big and heavy, though! You can't move just anything."

"Tsk, tsk, Lady Summoner. You just said I could move anything."

"What I meant," Yuna said, slowly and deliberately, "was that you can move nonliving things if you have the right equipment. Some of them might be too heavy to move with your bare hands."

"Righto, Lady Summoner," said the clerk. "Give me a lever and a basted ham, and I'll move the bloody world and all that. Though I never did quite get the part about the ham. I s'pose the world movin' types have to work on a full stomach."

"I don't think that is quite the right saying," said Yuna, "but you're on the right track."

"But where will I get a lever that big? I'm starting to think that aphorism is a might fraudulent."

Yuna slapped her hand to her forehead. "That's not the point."

"Well, if I can't find a big enough lever, then how am I supposed to test whether the world is alive or not?"

"That's not how you test that," said Yuna.

"How do I, then? What, do I take its temperature with a giant bloody thermometer? If I can't use the movement test, then I lack a clear scale for judging whether something is alive or not, don't I then?"

"You need other ways to tell," said Yuna.

"Right, like this?" The clerk stepped out from behind the counter and slugged Auron in the face, dropping him to the floor.

"See?" said Yuna. "He's dead."

"No, you see, Lady Summoner. I hit him pretty hard there, and he didn't even drop his oversized heavy sword or his jug of Dutch courage. That's alive in my book."

Taken aback, Yuna stooped down to examine Auron's hands, which still clutched his two prized possessions. Except...

"You've nailed those to his hands! Of course they didn't fly out."

"Well of course I did!" said the clerk. "I had to, or else that big sharp thing my go flying all over the place first time he slays a monster for you. You don't want that happening, do you?"

"And the sake flask?"

"Same with that. If he drops that one, then it breaks, and then you cut your foot on the shards of broken glass. Look, I can't be blamed for looking out for m'customers, can I?"

Yuna growled. "Why is he not getting up, then?"

"Simple," said the clerk. "He's stunned."

"Stunned?"

"Right, from the fall. He's not wearing a bracer that protects against 'stunned' status, so he goes into it when he gets popped on the noggin. It's simple logic, really."

"So after fighting all those battles with Braska, this famous Guardian suddenly falls in a skirmish with a store clerk?"

"Don't hurt my feelings now, Lady Summoner. I happen to do a lot of training in my spare time."

"In a store?"

"Yes, in a store."

"Where?" said Yuna.

"Out back. I train birds."

"How does training birds help you win fights against Guardians?"

The clerk fell silent. "Uh, it doesn't?"

"Then how do you explain your punching him out?"

"Oh, that. I'm a shopkeeper. Heroes can't go around picking fights with shopkeepers, can they? If I were a random giant bug or a wolf or a flan or something, then that'd be different."

"Right, so you're here for service, unlike the flans."

"We all need our proper jobs. Flans kill travelers, and I sell them things, preferably before the flans kill them. If we had our jobs mixed up, it'd be chaos. You'd have your random shopping encounters on the road, and then you'd come inside this here shop for a bit o' flanservice. That just don't work now."

Yuna pondered this. "I suppose you make sense, but still, why does he not get up?"

"He's pining."

"Pining?"

"He's pining for Zanarkand."

"Why on his back?"

"Auron always loved Zanarkand, and he loves bein' on his back, pining for it. I guess you have to know him like I do to know that about him."

Yuna took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before responding.

"He's not pining. He's passed on. This Guardian is no more! He's ceased to be! He's expired! He's bitten the big one! He's bought the pyrefly farm! He's kicked the bucked! Called it quits! Gone on the long day's journey into the Farplane! He's been Jossed! He's been killed! He's bereft of life, liberty, and the pursuit of alcohol! He's thrown off the slings and arrows! He's off to the big beer hall in the sky! He's turned in his life's keys! He's been nuked! Ultima-ed! Game over, man! He's history! He's mythology! He's in need of a good Sending! He's packed his bags, and he's off on that old Phantom Train! He's pulled a bloody Aeris! THIS IS AN EX-GUARDIAN!"

The clerk paused, and Yuna sucked air into her rattled frame in sizeable gulps.

"Well, then, uh," said the clerk, "I'd better replace it."

"Do that," said Yuna.

"We've got a good deal on confused former athletes who know suspiciously little about the world, we've got a chirpy treasure hunter who can steal things from you, and we've got an icy woman who will criticize your every move and then try to kill things with a doll."

"Do they slice things with a large sword and then take a swig of sake?"

"Not as such, no."

"Then they're not really replacements, are they?"

"Well, then, Lady Summoner, you should try my brother's shop in Luca. I hear he's got a good deal on Ronso warriors and thickheaded blitzball players. I hear you can get a package deal."

Yuna sighed. "Luca? Fine. I'll try my luck there."

"Thank you." The shopkeeper beamed a plastic smile. "Please come back! Recommend us to your friends!"


End file.
